In a lot of ways, writing this blog scares me. I don’t know how to get hit. I don’t know how to generate viewers. I don’t know how to promote myself. And, the ideas I want to talk about, I’m not sure anyone wants to read about it.
It takes a certain type (and amount) of ego to sit down and write your thoughts out and then publish them into the void, then hope that people want to read what you’ve written. And, I don’t know if I have that kind of ego.
Certainly, I want people to love what I do and have millions upon millions of ardent supporters. But I’m also concerned that I just don’t care enough. Not to see the job through (though that is a valid concern some days) but to maintain my vision or have the will power to enforce said vision. Or is it constitution?
Also, of note but random, I don’t have the urge to clean up this blog even as it represents the public face of an attempt at getting into the industry, or so I’ve been told. Somewhere along that line, I just sort of turned it into something else, for fun. And then, suddenly, it wasn’t fun.
Somewhere along the way… I don’t know when, it’s hard to articulate or identify such actions accurately without data and only self-regulated introspection, I lost my way. Maybe I didn’t have anything worthwhile to talk about. Maybe I did.
Certainly, not in the manner which I wanted to. So, the scientific, data driven side of my personality seeped in, demanding fact checked riddle pieces that were 2000 words to fully articulate why and what. Which I find enjoyable, but as a hobby, unsustainable.
My hands were also factor. I didn’t want them to hurt and they always hurt after work. Typing for hours on end isn’t comfortable enough to ensure that I’m going to WANT to do this again and again and AGAIN.
Except, I always felt better after I’d worked on this. And sure, my ideas aren’t quite crystalized or well thought out or linear, actually, but they don’t have to be. They just have to be me. And hopefully, one would imagine, enough practice and subconscious reminders from my years in high school journalism will creep in someway, somehow, and a definitive style will begin to emerge. Even if my innate belief that creative writing and structured professional type writing (journalism) are inherently at odds.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Because, here I am. Doing it again. And hoping that this time I can make it work through a sheer will power, ignoring the scope of it, and Dragon Dictate. A healthy healthy dollop of Dragon Dictate.
Here’s to 2016 and scattered thoughts.