First of all, I need to apologize for not having a book review up last Saturday. I was away for the weekend, so I couldn’t post it. The review for the Fault in Our Stars, by John Green, will be up next Saturday. Maybe I’ll do a double review to make up for missing a weekend.
Anyway, this week’s post is mostly just random. It’s a about dreams. In that sense, it’s no exactly linear nor does it intend to make sense. Some of the grammar and spelling is sketchy. And, while under normal circumstances unacceptable, I find that while discussing dreams, more leeway exists. Focusing on the dreams makes them harder to grasp onto, so time is imperative.
Last night I had the strangest dream…. I’ve had plenty of dreams recently… and I remember them, despite not wanting to. No one knows the meaning of dreams, not really. We all speculate and throw grande ideas around, only to realize everything we have fought for is meaningless before the power of Morpheus.
I don’t remember all of it, or even the order of the details. But I remember the feeling that it felt me with… the nostalgia and the pain, the feeling of dread and loss, yet, comfort at the same time. The heart warming knowledge that no matter what I did, it would all turn out fie, because it was supposed to.
Where do you begin when you can’t remember the beginning?
Racing down a stone road, all among the high gras fields and a stone creek.
I think I was on skates, but I can tell you for you for sure.
I know that I am racing for lunch, that I had worked at a McDonalds and that I had an hour for lunch
And, that, depiste it being compressed gravel and then just stones in a river, that I’m racing along at breakneck speed, like a speed skater.
The mcdonalds, where I worked, with my brother.
I’m getting promoted, to money carrier.
I know that I feel the weight of the responsibilty, that they think I can o it and I’m not sure I can take the pressure.
My brother has been fired.
It’s okay he says, he knew it was coming.
I’m not sure for what though
He acts like he knows it was coming
And then irealize I’m late for lunch.
I rush out the door.
There are two options
One is nearby, only a ten minute walk, another is just a ltitle farther away
I chose the farther one, I don’t know one
So there I am, racing to get lunch done and back in an hour
Finally, I’ve made it to town, the diner is just a little bit farther along, isn’t it?
But, though I have a few friends (coworkers) with me, they all eventually disappear, leaving me alone
I finally know I’m not going to make it in time that I have to turn around
Crossing the street, I enter a store.
What are they selling?
Some kind wooden prodcut.
Shelves? Dressers? Why do I think shutters? For an old, Victorian house?
Dashing through the store, I know I’m not going to make it back to work
And, I fear I’ll be fired, though somehow I know I won’t be
I’m too good at my job, I’m indepnsbile…
Then I wake up, even as I burst from the doors of the store
But, I know there’s something more to this dream. I didn’t just arrive in the middle, though I’m sure I often did. Was I just hired at the fast food? Had I been working there for long? I know that food place I avoided, I’d been there before. So, why didn’t I chose to go there?
This entire dream, I spent several hours within this dream. I know, because that’s what my dream time tells me. That I had at least the hour for lunch and then… something happened in the morning before
Still, time travels in a nonlinear fashion in this world, so I couldn’t tell you. Was it part of another dream? A more vivid one? In this waking world I know it only took five minutes….
But, that’s not the crazy dream, though it inspired a terror and dread all its own, I know that it’s probably related to the current work environment…. I think I’m scared to write this next dream down, I know that words can’t capture the feelings I felt… the felt loathing, even as details return…
There were heroes in this one…
Sentai, though I’m not sure they ever existed in the real world sense
But they were legendary and I felt a sense of pride and history as I watched them battle.
Which only gets stranger because they weren’t on TV and I wasn’t in the modern apartment…
I was on a farm, searching for something… for someone? It feels like I was chasing after someone close to me, and all I felt was a sadness and loss
Sadness and loss, they seem prevalent in this world.
An empty farm, once full of like, now dilapidated.
Again, the order is unknown…
How did I wind up here? I think I know… if this other dream is related, and I think, I feel, that it is….
I’m in a valley, a wooded valley
Greenery is all around me
Forest and grass and sunlight dreaming through a smokey light
Someone has flt a fire somewhere, I don’t know where
I think I see remnants here or there of fire pits no longer lit, but I keep moving
I’m looking for someone, see? Someone important to me
And then I see something
I’m no longer in a forested valley
I’m outside an old house
Maybe it’s farm house, a ranch house, I’m not quite sure
I think it’s one story, but it’s… separated into parts
I know who I’m looking for is in there
I go through one door…
Why can’t I remember what’s inside?
I feel like there are animals, chickens and cows…. A few stray cats….
I think I’ve found her, but she’s not here
I exit that area of house. Again, back outside
This feeling of sadness and yet, being at home and peace, permeates the area.
She’s in the next section, out the larger barn area
I guess you’d call this the living area
How long has she been here? Her entire life?
She’s sad, but, I think, glad to see me
We talk, about a lot of things and nothing at all
A man, her father?
They’ve never met before, she didn’t know he existed
The night comes and we’re still on the farm
It’s a farm now… Not just a house
I sort of think this is the start of the Sentai but I’m not sure
Thoughts: I think that’s everything… I have no idea, the more I try and remember the details, the more they fade. I’m not sure about that anymore. I kind of wonder if I ever really knew.
Dreams tend not to make sense. At least, mine don’t. Rationally speaking, I can pick apart every element from these dreams and identify them with factors in my actual life. That said, I don’t want to. Something about the anonymity of the dreams, knowing that I can identify where they come from in my life isn’t comforting. These glimpses into worlds I’d rather not remember, because, compared to my life and all the troubles there in, these bother me more.
You think that’s truth? Just a little bit?
It’s not really there for the metaphysics and discovering of the dreams. I want to understand the flow of the dreams, at the very least, the illogical nature of it that seems so real while it’s happening. What I remember, from all my dreams, is not so much the actions, that lead from one place to another, but the feeling. The idea that the emotions are really what drive them, as much as any story.